[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
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Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Does your wife know you’re single?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Flock of bats
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
(True)
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”