We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.