My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
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Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*