Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
You Might Also Like
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
when you order from DoorDastardly
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.