Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
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After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
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Expectations vs. Reality
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles