Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
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What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
jesus christ confetti not now
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
why I oughta
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
“no gods no masters” = leo
is frankincense just very honest incense?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.