I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.