Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
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*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when