Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
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you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks