Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.