“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
rise and shine we got egg
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing