I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.