The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
lmao
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Care for your back