“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
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I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
accurate
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders