I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)