MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
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Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what