Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
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My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost