This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Is your wife single?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My inexpensive home security system…
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you