Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades