I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
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Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*