I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
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“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets