“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
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Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I missed you with all my darts
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???