“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
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‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Good news
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
thank god
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.