I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
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4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Received some very disappointing news today