How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.