What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
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hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.