Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
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I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Natural selection at its finest
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.