[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
My life coach traded me.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.