[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
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ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Banking tips
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on