Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
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[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament