My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
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FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Y’all know who you are.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”