Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
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[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?