I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
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my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Never ghost your hitman.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”