So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
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I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”