Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
You Might Also Like
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too