*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
You Might Also Like
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
mom gave me mine for free
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
same vibe as tangled headphones
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet