My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I’m not wrong
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My time has come.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?