Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
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It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.