ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.