My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
the short answer to this question
Don’t touch that.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!