I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
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When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly