Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
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Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral