[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
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[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what