Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
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“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT