School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I have a new favorite meme page
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew