That’s it.I’m out.
You Might Also Like
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I feel this so hard
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.