[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
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Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.