if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.