I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
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Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No