*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
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Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!